New feature, misfits! “My Favoritest Stuffs and Things!”
Oprah I am not.
And a slammin’ giveaway, too, with details below. But first, a story about my disturbing gardening soundtrack.
So there I was in the cabbage patch, weeding in my gardening tutu (oh, don’t act so surprised), when I was not-so-gently reminded that, oh right, I have a gardening soundtrack.
Now I don’t mean a playlist (per se), though that’s really awesome and I want to hear about yours if you have one. No, my gardening soundtrack comes to me free of charge, courtesy of the “children” across the way and their “dog.” Quotation marks totally necessary, misfits.
One day, in an incident which I won’t go into but which I’d conservatively describe as, oh, MILDLY FUCKING DISTURBING, I discovered that what I thought was the dog was actually the children, and what I thought was the children was actually the dog. Allow me to explain.
The dog sounds like a child. Really. And the children …well…they don’t sound like children.
I present you with an Authentic Bad Mama Genny List of the things the children across the way sound like:
*A mama wolf tearing off the faces of her wolf pups.
*The proverbial chicken trying to cross the road and getting caught in the spokes of a bicycle.
*Arnold Schwarzenegger getting caught by Maria Shriver.
*A malfunctioning rape whistle set to a disco beat.
*Beautiful music, if beautiful music really sucked.
*The squealing of a pig eating a hot pocket which is boiling lava hot in the middle, thanks to the marvel of microwave cookery (Oh, Jim Gaffigan, you ARE the living end!)
*That weird life-size Barbie doll getting melted by a giant magnifying glass…if weird life-size Barbie doll could scream. Though that would never happen. If weird life-size Barbie doll COULD scream, she’d be doing it all the time because OH MY EFFING HELL I AM WEARING PLASTIC HIGH HEELS ALL THE TIME AND ACCORDING TO THE ANATOMICALLY INCORRECT PROPORTIONS OF MY GUMMY THIGHS I DO NOT POSSESS THE QUADRICEP STRENGTH TO MANAGE THIS.
*Two zombies. Making sweet, sweet zombie love. Yeah, I went there.
And speaking of zombies (HELLZ YES, MISFITS, WE’RE TOTALLY SPEAKING OF ZOMBIES! AGAIN! ), it’s time for the first ever edition of my Favoritest Stuffs and Things! Let’s get rolling, shall we?
This is the computer game (gifted to me by my spooky-awesome friend Leonard) that I played for four straight hours the other night. When I went to bed, my eyes burned. From not blinking enough. Which, in case you were wondering, is the new definition of rock bottom.
According to the site, the premise is as follows:
“A mob of zombies is about to invade your home, and your only defense is an arsenal of zombie-zapping plants. Think fast and plant faster to stop the zombies dead in their tracks. And with five game modes to dig into, the fun never dies!”
Misfits…did somebody say “plants”? And, did somebody say, “zombies”? And, were those two somebodies actually just one somebody using the two terms in the same sentence?
I have seen the mountaintop, misfits! I have been to the Promised Land!
Try it free or buy it online for yourself or your favorite misfit homesteader here.
I know many of all y’alls are urban homesteaders just trying to keep it real. Somehow I feel that this decorative cityscape tape would help one to keep something real. Just a feeling.
Misfits, it’s an actual flying “fuck.” So you can now, literally, “give a flying fuck”. I’m sorry, I…I…I’m choking up a little. It’s just…so beautiful.
These tattoos–which totally look UNLIKE tattoos, and more like brilliant watercolor paintings, are blowing my wittle mind. Check out the temporary distilled water tattoos, too–the design is formed by your blood, and disappears as it heals.
These precious yellow submarine ice cubes…oooh! Last year, The Boy bought me an ice cube tray that produced Titanic and iceberg-shaped ice. In return for his awesomeness, he got a summer of my endlessly re-enacting the disaster in my gin gimlets while falsetto-ing “My Heart Will Go On” and promising Leo to never let go, only to go, “Oops! I let go!” two seconds later.
The Boy, he is a patient man.
But what if you wanted to have your own whimsical undercocktail adventures? What if you wanted to falsetto “Yellow Submarine” whilst
seriously pissing off testing the patience of entertaining a “The Boy” of your own?
Well, that’s where my giveaway comes in, my twisted little kumquat pastries!
Leave a comment on this post telling me what’s on your gardening soundtrack/playlist, and you’ll be entered into a random drawing to win those ADORABLE little yellow submarine ice “cubes.” Want an extra chance? Follow me on Twitter for the first time, and leave a second comment here telling me that you did! I’ll randomly draw a winner on Monday, July 11th at noon…and announce the lucky misfit shortly after.
Ta, you lovely hot messes, you!