All Knocked Up, or, I Love How Slutty My Plants Are

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All Knocked Up, or, I Love How Slutty My Plants Are

July 18, 2011 by Bad Mama Genny

Oh, for Delilah’s sake, misfits, my garden is like the set of “16 and Pregnant” right now.

It’s an epidemic! Babies having babies!

And you know what? The little sluts want more!

Okay, now that’s just ASKING for it.

That last photo is Blondkopfchen tomatoes–little yellow pear tomatoes. The name, literally translated, is “Little Blonde Girl.” (In bed!) That pretty much says it all, now doesn’t it?

So how do I feel about having a veritable brothel on my little plot of earth? I’m not gonna lie–I’m pretty freaking proud.

Also, if I ran a brothel, it would be the awesomest brothel in town, full of fishnetty goodness and lots of good times spent sitting around eating chocolate truffles and laughing with all our teeth showing. We’d all stick together, like in that music video for “Love is a Battlefield,” and we’d dutifully share tutus with one another. And if someone crossed one of us, we’d make an example of him. Like those hookers did to Neil Patrick Harris in that second Harold and Kumar movie.

But I digress.

Oh, yeah, and those soon to be enormous tomatoes? All grown in containers. This is as close as Your Bad Mama Genny gets to a religious experience. Check out my bitchin’ soil recipe for fab tomatoes.

So how does your garden grow right now? (In bed!)

Are your plants whorin’ it up as ambitiously as mine, or are they regular prudes, with nary a bloom in sight?

6 Responses

on July 21, 2011 at 5:30 pm tracey

I completely understand. I tend to go outside and just stare at my garden, willing my tomatoes to grow faster so I can pick them. Babies having babies… heh.
on July 21, 2011 at 7:50 pm Ludakristen

But do your plants have awful names too, like Aleeanah and Nevaeh and Bentley?
on July 21, 2011 at 11:46 pm alchemygen

Yes, I do that, too. And make a loud “HERMMMM” sound in my throat to let them know that GUESS WHAT MOMMY’S WATCHING AND IF YOU DON’T GROW FAST SHE’LL STOP LOVING YOU. Just kidding. I would never say that to my plant babies. Only to real babies.
on July 21, 2011 at 11:47 pm alchemygen

Ah, excellent question, Ludakristen, they most certainly DO NOT. Because while my plants ARE sluts…I couldn’t punish them/annoy myself like that.
on July 22, 2011 at 6:28 pm Friday Food Porn, or, Even Squash Like to Dress Up and Feel Pretty « The Alchemist

[…] Comments « All Knocked Up, or, I Love How Slutty My Plants Are […]
on August 29, 2011 at 5:25 pm Sexy Yet Unassuming Miso Honey Eggplant, or, Would You Just Look at Those Childbearing Hips « The Alchemist

[…] world of vegetables, eggplants are the fugly, forgotten sisters of more beautiful, glamorous, and promiscuous produce such as the cherry tomato (such luscious color!) or the cucumber (so tall! so slender!). […]