Hang onto your fishnets, misfits–it’s time for another installment of “Ask Bad Mama Genny!” And today’s episode is likely to pull at the heartstrings of all you sweet-toothed yet lactarded gals and fellas out there. Read on for Michelle’s query:
Caramel! I miss it as a lactard, have you found any suitable alternatives; or even better, a way to make the real thing?
Thanks a million!
Caramel is a tough one, misfits.
Hey, hey, hey, come back here! I didn’t say it was “impossible,” misfits! I said it was “a tough one,” okay? Thereby causing you to realize the enormity of the task I have undertaken and increasing my glory tenfold when you watch me do it BECAUSE OH HELLZ YES I DID DO IT.
So as we’ve discussed in the past, I am lactose-intolerant. This does not mean that I no longer live like A Rock Star. Not living like A Rock Star is totally not an option for me. Therefore I need caramel. Everybody knows that rock stars and caramel go together like gin and tonic water which IS REALLY FUCKING WELL.
In any case, Your Bad Mama Genny does not possess the inner fortitude to give up things like ice cream and cream soups and caramel. Simple as that.
But, uh, let’s be frank here: I also LITERALLY do not possess the inner fortitude to eat them. So I find ways around it. Coconut ice cream. Almond milk. Hallucinogenic substances. You know, the usual. I tweak my recipes until they’re just as satisfying as the original, and YOU, yes, YOU reap the benefits.
So let’s talk caramel–technically speaking, caramel can just be, well, caramel, as in caramelized sugar. Sugar plus heat equals caramel. But right now you’re all, Oh, Bad Mama Genny, that is SO NOT what Michelle meant. And I so know you’re right. What Michelle meant is that gooey, creamy stuff you could eat out of a jar with a spoon–that stuff you drizzle on ice cream, over cakes, or all over yourselves for a bizarre photo shoot that will probably surface in Sweden someday.
I canz handle that challenge, my wittle misfittles.
So onto the dang quesadillas! (Please tell me you got that reference.)
I mean, the dang caramel!
Dairy-Free, Vegan Caramel Sauce
1/2 cup brown sugar
1/2 cup sugar or evaporated cane juice
3/4 cup full fat coconut milk
1 1/2 teaspoons vanilla bean paste or vanilla extract (seriously, misfits, vanilla bean paste is my MSG–use it, and use it liberally)
2 T. vegan Earth Balance spread–or butter, if you can tolerate it (I can) and don’t have a problem with dairy on principle
1 dash sea salt
1 Tablespoon cornstarch
2 Tablespoons cold water
Put sugars and Earth Balance in a medium saucepan over low heat. Meanwhile, set the coconut milk in a small saucepan over low heat to get steamy. Now cook the sugars and butter, stirring occasionally with a wooden spoon, until it’s smooth and melty and sugars have dissolved (about 5 minutes). Now toss in the vanilla bean paste or extract and stir quickly to incorporate–be careful, the mixture may froth up at this point. Now slowly add the steaming coconut milk while stirring. When it’s incorporated, mix the cornstarch with the cold water in a small bowl. Add it to the caramel mixture while stirring, and let the mixture bubble until thickened, about 2 minutes. Remove from the heat and let stand for 5 minutes. Then transfer it to a jar or airtight container and OM NOM NOM NOM NOM start over again.
And for all of you lactarded misfits looking for a lil’ more non-dairy love, check out a few other recipes I’ve posted for your nomming pleasure:
(Remember, misfits, you can submit your own question for your Bad Mama Genny to answer by clicking right here.)