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Posts Tagged ‘zombies’

For Bad Mama Genny’s hungry zombie misfit fans…today’s food porn post is ALL FOR YOU.

This is a picture of me and Handy that my friend took at a pub.  Handy is a severed hand.

Handy is pretty much my official mascot.  He likes to live in my work tote and come with me to cafes and stuff.  You know…for inspiration.

When I was at a Starbucks last week, my bag fell over and Handy slipped out.  I could have explained myself to the nervous onlookers…but instead I just shrugged my shoulders and put Handy back where he belonged.

I think it was best that way.

Happy weekend, hungry zombie misfit fans and people who love hungry zombie misfit fans!

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New feature, misfits!  “My Favoritest Stuffs and Things!”

Oprah I am not.

And a slammin’ giveaway, too, with details below.  But first, a story about my disturbing gardening soundtrack.

So there I was in the cabbage patch, weeding in my gardening tutu (oh, don’t act so surprised), when I was not-so-gently reminded that, oh right, I have a gardening soundtrack.

Now I don’t mean a playlist (per se), though that’s really awesome and I want to hear about yours if you have one.  No, my gardening soundtrack comes to me free of charge, courtesy of the “children” across the way and their “dog.”  Quotation marks totally necessary, misfits.

One day, in an incident which I won’t go into but which I’d conservatively describe as, oh, MILDLY FUCKING DISTURBING, I discovered that what I thought was the dog was actually the children, and what I thought was the children was actually the dog.  Allow me to explain.

The dog sounds like a child.  Really.  And the children …well…they don’t sound like children.

I present you with an Authentic Bad Mama Genny List of the things the children across the way sound like:
*A mama wolf tearing off the faces of her wolf pups.
*The proverbial chicken trying to cross the road and getting caught in the spokes of a bicycle.
*Arnold Schwarzenegger getting caught by Maria Shriver.
*A malfunctioning rape whistle set to a disco beat.
*Beautiful music, if beautiful music really sucked.
*The squealing of a pig eating a hot pocket which is boiling lava hot in the middle, thanks to the marvel of microwave cookery (Oh, Jim Gaffigan, you ARE the living end!)
*That weird life-size Barbie doll getting melted by a giant magnifying glass…if weird life-size Barbie doll could scream.  Though that would never happen.  If weird life-size Barbie doll COULD scream, she’d be doing it all the time because OH MY EFFING HELL I AM WEARING PLASTIC HIGH HEELS ALL THE TIME AND ACCORDING TO THE ANATOMICALLY INCORRECT PROPORTIONS OF MY GUMMY THIGHS I DO NOT POSSESS THE QUADRICEP STRENGTH TO MANAGE THIS.
*Two zombies.  Making sweet, sweet zombie love.  Yeah, I went there.

And speaking of zombies (HELLZ YES, MISFITS, WE’RE TOTALLY SPEAKING OF ZOMBIES! AGAIN! ), it’s time for the first ever edition of my Favoritest Stuffs and Things!  Let’s get rolling, shall we?

1. Plants vs. Zombies

Aww, heartwarming. It's good to know the zombies share my feelings about handwritten correspondence.

This is the computer game (gifted to me by my spooky-awesome friend Leonard) that I played for four straight hours the other night.  When I went to bed, my eyes burned.  From not blinking enough.  Which, in case you were wondering, is the new definition of rock bottom.
According to the site, the premise is as follows:
“A mob of zombies is about to invade your home, and your only defense is an arsenal of zombie-zapping plants. Think fast and plant faster to stop the zombies dead in their tracks. And with five game modes to dig into, the fun never dies!”

Misfits…did somebody say “plants”?  And, did somebody say, “zombies”?  And, were those two somebodies actually just one somebody using the two terms in the same sentence?

I have seen the mountaintop, misfits!  I have been to the Promised Land!

Try it free or buy it online for yourself or your favorite misfit homesteader here.

2.   Stuck on This City Decorative Tape

Photo from Modcloth.com

I know many of all y’alls are urban homesteaders just trying to keep it real.  Somehow I feel that this decorative cityscape tape would help one to keep something real.  Just a feeling.

3.  The “Flying Fuck” Helicopter

Photo from gadgetsandgear.com

Misfits, it’s an actual flying “fuck.”  So you can now, literally, “give a flying fuck”.  I’m sorry, I…I…I’m choking up a little.  It’s just…so beautiful.

4.  Amanda Wachob Tattoo

Photo from AmandaWachobTattoo.com

These tattoos–which totally look UNLIKE tattoos, and more like brilliant watercolor paintings, are blowing my wittle mind.  Check out the temporary distilled water tattoos, too–the design is formed by your blood, and disappears as it heals.

5.  Sunny Submersible Ice Cube Set

Photo from modcloth.com

These precious yellow submarine ice cubes…oooh!  Last year, The Boy bought me an ice cube tray that produced Titanic and iceberg-shaped ice.  In return for his awesomeness, he got a summer of my endlessly re-enacting the disaster in my gin gimlets while falsetto-ing “My Heart Will Go On” and promising Leo to never let go, only to go, “Oops! I let go!” two seconds later.

The Boy, he is a patient man.

But what if you wanted to have your own whimsical undercocktail adventures?  What if you wanted to falsetto “Yellow Submarine” whilst seriously pissing off   testing the patience of   entertaining a “The Boy” of your own?

Well, that’s where my giveaway comes in, my twisted little kumquat pastries!

Leave a comment on this post telling me what’s on your gardening soundtrack/playlist, and you’ll be entered into a random drawing to win those ADORABLE little yellow submarine ice “cubes.”  Want an extra chance?  Follow me on Twitter for the first time, and leave a second comment here telling me that you did!  I’ll randomly draw a winner on Monday, July 11th at noon…and announce the lucky misfit shortly after.

Ta, you lovely hot messes, you!

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Oh, wow.

The inspiration and recipe structure for this one came from one of my favorite cooking web sites, 101 Cookbooks, on which the author, Heidi, posted a recipe for Roast Banana-Pumpkin Breakfast Bread from the book Southwestern Vegetarian, by Stephan Pyles.  I won’t reprint the recipe here, for copyright reasons, but I will link to the page on Heidi’s site, and tell you what changes I’ve made to it.  On with the friggin’ show!

Have you ever wanted to bottle a smell so you could have it whenever you wanted it?  Actually, I think there’s a creepy movie like that…called “Perfume,” about a French guy who has an unbelievable sense of smell, and he starts murdering women and stuff so he can have their smells as perfume.  So, what I’m trying to say is, that has nothing to do with banana bread, but everything to do with a bread so good you would kill for it.

Still too creepy?

This bread smells like you want it to smell…it smells like the words, “coconut,” “banana,” “rum,” and “bread,” combined.  It made me think about the power of food to recall certain memories and emotions.  Typically, the scent of baking banana bread makes me feel comfortable.  It reminds me of sitting in my mom’s kitchen while she baked from her favorite version of the recipe, from the cookbook Vincent Price wrote with his wife.

No, I am not kidding.  THAT Vincent Price.  To this day when I think of that recipe, I picture the “Thriller” video, and can almost hear Vincent Price saying, “And grizzly ghouls from every tomb/Are closing in to seal your doom/And though you fight to stay alive/Your body starts to shiver/For no mere mortal can resist/The evil of the thriller (maniacal laughter)”–

–immediately followed by a chipper, “Hey, who wants some fresh banana bread?  I baked it myself!”

In any case, baking this loaf of banana bread the other day brought me back to those days in the kitchen, wrinkling my nose in disgust at the black bananas in our fruit bowl, eagerly anticipating their zombie-like rise from the oven, the tomb which would re-animate their dead bodies so that they could WALK AMONG US ONCE AGAIN MWAHAHAHAHHAAAA…eh?  Eh?

Okay, fine, banana bread makes me feel cozy…that sweet and un-creepy enough for you?

But there was another scent, too–that of coconut rum rendering its alcohol in my warm, moist kitchen, and when the two smells mixed, I couldn’t tell whether I wanted to sit in a rocking chair with my Gammy Gam and a stuffed animal or fall off the rocking chair drunk off my arse while Gammy Gam threw a blanket over my miniskirted legs and called for Jesus’ aid.

Don’t even try it, Gammy.  Jesus seen me drunk too many times to bother intercedin’ no mo’.

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As for what I’ve done differently–originally, this recipe was a roasted banana bread with pumpkin seeds and golden raisins soaked in dark rum.  My version used several kinds of raisins, coconut rum, flaked coconut, and no pumpkin seeds.  Make the following changes:

Instead of  _____, use _____.

*golden raisins; golden raisins, or a mixture of golden, regular, jumbo, etc…even currants would work here.

*Meyer’s dark rum; Malibu coconut rum (and for Delilah’s sake, do NOT throw out the rum after the raisins have soaked, as the recipe suggests–that is just plain irresponsible alcohol abuse.  Instead, have Delilah take a delightful rum-raisin shot while she bakes.)

*cake flour; all-purpose flour, or cake flour (I used AP with great results)

*white sugar; raw cane/turbinado sugar

*toasted pumpkin seeds; toasted, unsweetened coconut flakes (mmmm…..)

There you have it.  Bread good enough to raise the dead.  Or, you know, just slice up and eat for breakfast.  Either is good.

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